Bitching Ain’t Leadership

When I first moved to Nashville, I encountered a way of communicating that confused me. I had lived my early life largely in military and athletic cultures. These were quick to correct but strongly motivational. Keeping those around you filled with vision and courage was essential. In short, these cultures were primarily positive.

In Nashville, I quickly developed friendships among artists. I loved them and was almost worshipful of their gifts, but I found their way of communicating with each other disturbing. When I would sit with a handful of my Nashville musician friends, they would usually gripe. I’m not exaggerating. An entire lunch could be dominated by complaints, catty descriptions of others, and a general sense of unhappiness with the world as it was.

Now, I came in time to understand that these people weren’t really that unhappy. In fact, much of their complaining was a way of affirming their group experience. They found it encouraging. I, though, would leave their presence grieving. I thought these were among the most miserable people in the world and it distressed me given their amazing gifts and opportunities.

I remember that I decided to try something with a few of these talented friends. Over a lunch, I would let them go on for a while with their negative comments, and then I would say something like, “Look, I know that tour may be filled with hassles, but I heard that solo you did on such and such a song. Man, I was so moved! Thank you for that.”

Usually, the whole tone of the gathering would change. They would start excitedly talking about who was “over the top” in that show and how they had arrived at certain arrangements and wasn’t that vocal influenced by whats-her-name and wasn’t the whole experience exciting.

Understand that these were good people who had devoted their lives to their art and produced great beauty in the world. They had just evolved into what I perceived as a downer way of interacting. Yet it could change in a moment—even through a brief comment by an unlearned outsider like me. And when it did change, we were all better for it.

Now, I share all this to press one principle in your mind: Bitching Ain’t Leadership. We all need to gripe at times. We need to get the load off our chests. But Bitching Ain’t Leadership. In our troubled times, there is much to complain about and some leaders like to connect with their teams by bitching artfully. I recommend against it. Here are my brief suggestions.

1. Have a circle of friends to whom you can unburden yourself. I have a core group, my wife included, to whom I can describe that difficult assignment or talk about a bad day. But limit it. Don’t spill over on everyone you know. Bitching Ain’t Leadership.
2. Listen to the conversations around you, particularly when they go dark. Don’t just jump into the negative stream to be part of the group. See if you can add some positive, some motivational, some complimentary, some encouraging. In other words, see if you can turn the tide. Cause Bitching Ain’t Leadership.
3. Teach your leadership team with all the humor and charm you can muster this simple principle: Bitching Ain’t Leadership.
4. Finally, don’t harshly shut people down when they complain. Griping has a place in human communication. Just don’t let it define the culture around you. Work to lift the hearts and vision of the complaining in gentle and encouraging ways. Lead them, but always remember that Bitching Ain’t Leadership.

Okay. Thanks for letting me use some harsh language here. For some of us, this lesson is urgent and I’ve stated it firmly here so it will stick.