Let me tell you what a hypocrite I am

Let me tell you what a hypocrite I am.

My wife and I have often laughed at how naïve I can be about why people don’t get along with each other. When I heard that the Judd family—country music stars Winona and Naomi Judd, actress Ashley Judd—are openly contentious, I was sad for days. Yet I don’t know any of them, and as I write these words I can’t think of a single Judd song. Still, when I was told of their feuds, I walked around grieving the human condition like some ancient prophet wandering the wilderness.

Since I live in Nashville and my wife is in the music industry, I hear far more inside information than is good for me. When a producer told me that the members of the rock band The Eagles don’t like each other and even fly separate planes to their concerts, I wanted to schedule an intervention. Once again, I was sad for days. Of course, I don’t know any of The Eagles nor do I have the slightest possibility of talking to one of them, much less getting them all in the same room to make them behave. Still, I wanted to fix it.

It’s silly, really. I just want to believe that everyone can be friends, that liking one another is possible. I remember being mystified when Rodney King famously said, “Why can’t we all just get along” and people laughed at him. I kept asking, “Well, why can’t we?”

What makes me a hypocrite is that while I grieve the broken relationships of others, I seem to have made peace with the bitterness and anger in my own heart.

This week there is an event honoring a man I once worked with. We started well but then had some hard history. I love him but have kept my distance in recent years. One of my dear friends insisted that this needed to change and he arranged for me to attend the event to honor this man. Getting ready to attend this thing has not been easy. So St. Stephen of the Loving Ways ain’t always so loving. I’m no better than the Judds and The Eagles, it turns out.

Thankfully, I have found a truth that has helped me forgive from time to time, and I want to offer it to you now. I’ve written of this before, but it needs saying again—for my own sake if not for yours!

Years ago I began to understand that as long as I viewed the person I had to forgive in negative terms—as long as I saw them as evil or bad or ill-intentioned—it was very hard to forgive. What helped was when I tried to find a “hook” of positive to use in pulling myself toward forgiveness.

One of these hooks is what I call the hook of compassion. If I’ve been wronged by someone, I try to understand them in a compassionate light. Perhaps a guy spoke harshly to me because harshness is all he’s ever known. Perhaps a kid stole from me because stealing is what he learned from his father. Perhaps a friend was cowardly because fear ruled his life. Once I see the person with some compassion, the door of forgiveness opens.

Another of the hooks I use is the hook of honor. If I can find even a small part of a man that is honorable and good, it can open a larger door to forgiveness. Suppose a coach is brutal with me. Suppose I want to hate him with everything in me. Then, I remember that he cares lovingly for his handicapped son. I remember that he saved lives on the battlefields of Vietnam. Perhaps I also remember how he rescued a friend of mine when he was in trouble.

I’m not saying that a little good outweighs all the bad in a man’s life. I am saying that fixing my eyes on the good in a man’s life keeps me from seeing him as completely evil and thus in league with Satan against me. This helps me turn towards him in my heart, understand his actions a bit better, perhaps see my own wrongs more clearly, and turn to God for help in forgiving.

And I have to forgive. It is not only what God commands, but the consequences of not forgiving are devastating. Far too many people of talent and great power to do good have instead ended their lives bitter, alone, ailing, and passing their days rehearsing the wrongs done to them.

I’m not going to be one of these pitiful creatures. I also want to please God. And, frankly, I like the counsel of one of my buddies who is always saying, “Don’t let the bastards get you down.” Why should I let the wrongs of others ruin my life? Nope. I’m going to get clean and get on with it. In the process, I might just start to face the wrongs I’ve done to others. I might confront the fact that I have Judd-like, Eagle-like stuff in me.

I urge you to be as practical about all this as I have been forced to be. Think about how pools of bitterness and anger have formed in your life. Think about who you prosecute in your mind and heart. Make a list. Find the hooks. Ask God to help you forgive and then get on with it. Go to the person if you can.

The bottom line? Forgive. Get clean. Get over it. Move on. It isn’t easy. It won’t happen overnight. Yet all that you are made to be depends on it.

And pray for St. Stephen over here while you do. I’m down the road a bit, but I’m not home yet.

Have a good weekend. And go Notre Dame!

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