The Skillful Use of Humor

I want to talk to you about humor in this Leading Thoughts and before I do let me make some assurances. No one—and I mean no one—enjoys good natured teasing, smack talk, and friendly verbal tussling like I do. I love locker room banter of the non-nasty type. I love it when people make each other better with teasing and light ribbing. I find the loving smack talk of friends and family to be refreshing and a lightening of the load.

I suppose I love all this because I grew up in a military and athlete culture. Feelings were seldom spared. Results were nearly all that were in view. Sarcasm reigned. People assumed you’d recover from the blow. Moving you to change was the goal.

Now, as much as I relate to good humor, I also know that humor and smack talk are something that a leader has to keep in check. He or she has to make sure they aren’t just firing verbal missiles for fun that are actually doing lasting damage.

There are some ancient words that have helped me here.

A person who deceives (wounds) his neighbor

   And then says I was only joking

Is like a madman who shoots firebrands and deadly arrows.

Now, I have been guilty of violating this proverb. I’ve tried to be funny but ended up wounding. I’ve teased a guy because I genuinely liked him but later found that my teasing was taken as diminishing him rather than affection. I’ve also joked at moments when I shouldn’t have.

Still, the skillful use of humor is a powerful tool in the hands of a leader. A wise man once said that humor explores the difference between the way things are and the way things ought to be. This is where a leader lives—in the gap between reality and the vision. So humor is a great tool for instructing, unifying, easing strain, and lightening a moment.

Yet great harm can be done, particularly in our present culture. I know a senior executive who was hauled into court for something he said in humor. So, let me lay down some brief, hard-hitting principles for you to make your own when it comes to humor.

• Don’t joke when people are suffering. You’ll seem callous.
• Don’t joke during solemn moments. You’ll look like a lightweight.
• Don’t tease people until you know them well.
• Don’t tease people about their weaknesses or deformities until they do it first—and maybe not at all.
• Don’t tease about sexual matters in public. Hear me. Don’t! Ever!
• If you are joking all the time, you are covering for nervousness and insecurity. Stop it and then take some time to figure out why you do this.
• Plan humor in speeches. Use joke books and humorous story books. Be strategic. It is often what we say off the cuff that gets us in the most trouble, so plan ahead. And be funny. Boring is unforgiveable.
• Don’t use humor when head on confrontation is what is needed.
• Always remember this: Self-deprecating humor—joking about yourself—is always your best, safest, most helpful choice.

I want you to be engaging as a leader and humor is part of this. What I don’t want is that you wound and embitter without even realizing it. Harness humor and make it serve your leadership purposes.